The OOC Adventures of Kisame and Itachi
by OMGtheNinjas
Summary: Kisame and Itachi get a lame assignment to visit Orochimaru's theme park and decide to make the most of it. Now with Sound Love and Part V. Sasuke suffers the humilation of a lifetime.
1. Our Heroes' Adventure Begins

The OOC Adventures of Kisame and Itachi

Part I – Our Heroes Adventure Begins

Summary: Itachi and Kisame get a lame assignment to visit Orochimaru's Theme Park. So, they decide to make the most of it. Obviously, AU and extremely OOC. No real heavy spoilers, unless you have no clue who Kisame, Itachi, and Orochimaru are.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, do you think I would have to write this for my own amusement? No.

Asterisks indicate notation at the bottom. Italics indicate thoughts. Can you juggle that? Good.

********

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Kisame."

"How about now?"

"No, Kisame."

"Now?"

"Listen. Shut up or I'm going to have to come back there." Itachi turned around and glared daggers at Kisame with his piercing red eyes.

_Come back where? _ Kisame thought, not understanding what the hell Itachi was talking about.* They had been walking for a good eight days since they passed that sign that said 'Nowhere, 200 miles,' and he just knew they had to be getting close. He could not help but be excited.

Eleven days ago they had been given temporary leave of their assignment to capture that fox brat and were given knew orders- to check out the new amusement park Orochimaru was building. As to why he would want to build an amusement park, who knows. Just stick to the story. In fact, Orochimaru had sent two VIP tickets to the Akatsuki because he knew even if he tried to stop them; they would want to investigate what Orochimaru was doing anyways.

Now, no one in the Akatsuki particularly liked Orochimaru. His tongue thing was considered creepy by even their standards. He bitched to the point you would swear he was a woman and constantly bleeding on the rag. And he was regarded as quite a gossip, though the back stabbing thing was not a problem because everyone in the Akatsuki backstabbed at least once every six months. Not to mention, you never wanted to see Orochimaru drunk, ever.

And so, our heroes (or villains, whichever you prefer), were given the responsibility of this assignment for two reasons. Reason Number One: Itachi never gave a damn about how unpleasant missions could get. Face it, the man was practically mechanical when it came to personal feelings and regarded them as weak. Reason Number Two: Kisame had the mental IQ of a twelve year old. Of coarse he would want to go to an amusement park! Think of all the damage he could inflict.

Therefore, Itachi was mentally cursing through out the whole trick at the thought of how many pixie sticks it took for Kisame to get as overactively hyper as he was acting. And god knows only what would happen when Itachi unleashed the terror on an amusement park of unsuspecting victims.

_Who knows?_ Itachi thought as he considered how many problems they could lavish upon their former Akatsuki member and comrade. His lips twitched as they curled to a small smirk and he pulled his cloak over his mouth so Kisame could not see. 

_This might even be fun._

****

* In case you haven't noticed, the Naruto world lacks cars. So, Kisame wouldn't understand. 


	2. Of Funnel Cakes and Giraffes

The OOC Adventures of Kisame and Itachi

Part I I – Of Funnel cakes and Giraffes

Summary & Disclaimer: Why are you reading this if you haven't read the last chapter? Go back and check there, for Pete's sake. Or Pete will cry. Feh, I don't own Naruto.

*****

Itachi stood there, looking up at the large heading over the gate as if it was the opening to the very mouth of hell itself. Scrawled on the gate, on the body of a cartoon snake (they learned he was the parks mascot, Napoleon, after making a few inquiries), in bright golden letters was "Hidden Neverland Ranch."

The name sent an involuntary shiver down Itachi's spine, but, for what reason, he couldn't place. 

_I have a bad feeling about this…_he thought, but just then; a hand lashed out and grabbed a hold of his arm. Kisame began dragging Itachi towards the entrance, humming an annoying pop song about friendship that they were blaring over the intercom incessantly. The song was already lodged in Itachi's head and he feared it would remain there for the remainder of this experience. They paid for the tickets. That bastard, Orochimaru had sent them the VIP passes, but not the tickets in his typical fashion. Although it was not worth the effort, Itachi let Kisame take out his vengeance on the ticket vender, before they tied her up underneath her desk and locked her in her little booth. Pity that it would take them a while to find her with that gag they tied over her mouth.

Then came the train ride to the actual park itself. It was not a full blown train which comes to mind when you think of trains. No, it was one of those kiddy trains, complete tiny cramped seats and no roof over head to shield from the sun's rays. The conductor even had the stereotypical stripped hat on, overalls, and a little pin with the annoying snake smiling ridiculously at Itachi from where it was fastened to the back of the conductor's bandana.  The conductor kept babbling information about attractions and how the park was constructed, but it wasn't anything that Itachi had not read in the brochure already.

_Let's just get this over with_, Itachi thought as he looked over at his comrade. Kisame insisted on sitting next to him on the tram though there were many empty seats and Kisame could have at least sat across from him if he wanted to share a compartment. But, oh no, he had to squeeze next to Itachi so that it was difficult to breathe because Kisame's elbow was lodged right below the left hand side of his ribcage and dangerously close to the floating ribs. To make it worse, Kisame had memorized the park's theme song so he kept belching it out over and over, again and again.

He was about to pray that it could not get worse, when the train came to a halt and they were allowed to disembark. As they entered the park, the reality of his situation finally hit him completely in the face.

Everywhere, tiny feet, tiny bodies, smiling faces, annoying high pitched voices flitted about him. Children, children were everywhere. He could feel his eye involuntarily twitching as the little brats darted to and fro, yelling excitedly and making high pitched chatter, clinging to balloons or their parents' hands. He thought he was hallucinating. For an instant, he thought he saw a head of blond spiked hair bobbing here and there in the crowd.  But, there it was again. And look, again! Here and there, several little heads of blond spiked hair were popping in and out of the mass of children.

Itachi did the only thing he thought was reasonable to do. He threw his head back and screamed.

Meanwhile, his partner in crime, Kisame had wandered off by himself. The train ride had made him hungry like, well, like a shark. And something deliciously sweet wafted through the air and pulled him from his partner's side, and down to a little place near a some cheap rendition of a castle.

"Funnel cakes?" He murmured as he read the sign, wondering what those could possibly be, having never had one before. Oh, but the smell made his mouth water. And they were not even bloody or raw or even meat! Not like his favorite food, chum.* They smelt baked, loaded with sugar and calories, hot and crisp.

God, he was starving just from the smell, but then it hit him. Itachi had the money. Itachi always had all the money. Itachi didn't trust him with a cent.

He almost felt like going back and asking Itachi to buy him one, but then he remembered how stingy Itachi was with spending money. That's why they always lived off what they could find in the forest and slept in a tent every night they were away from headquarters. Itachi said it was for secrecy. 

"Secrecy, my ass," Kisame mumbled, but the call of the funnel cake was to strong. He knew he would stop at nothing. He wanted one, and it would be his!

Kisame lingered in the bushes, concealing himself skillfully, as a good ninja should. A little girl with brown hair with pigtails wandered up and bought a funnel cake from the vender. There it was, wonderful, golden, and wrapped in brown paper. Kisame had to wipe his mouth on his sleeve to keep from drooling.

He waited until the girl rounded the corner before making his appearance.

"Hey kid, gimme that funnel cake!" He ordered, grabbing a hold of the cake, trying to wretch it from her grasp. He was surprised that such a small girl could have such a firm grip.

"NO! It's mine!"

"Give it to me!" They struggled. It was a tug of war, fight to the finish. Shark against little girl. Finally, after what seemed an eternity to the hungry Kisame, he won the battle and pulled the funnel cake from the girl's hands!

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kisame laughed an evil laugh, and then some, in victory. The little girl drew her hands to her sides in fists, her face bunching up as she began to cry before, WHAMO! She brought her heel down so hard on his toes that the funnel cake went flying out of his hands and into the moat.

"My…Funnel cake…" Kisame mourned, as he watched the golden form first become soggy, then slowly float away before a pair of ducks glided over and began to take claim to his prize. He was distracted long enough to not notice that the girl had skipped away to safety and out of his sight, which was lucky for his sake.

He would have stood their, pouting all day over the loss of his beloved cake, before he spotted them. They were tall, in a pair of two, with long yellow necks, spotted brown, with their heads poking out right over the sign that read 'Petting Zoo.' Boy, oh boy, did they look tasty!

Itachi could catch up later. Kisame already found himself climbing over the fence.

******

Like? Don't Like? Please review

*Chum is bait that people use to attract sharks. Basically pureed raw fish.


	3. Itachi Meets 'Napoleon'

The OOC Adventures of Kisame and Itachi

Part III- Itachi meets 'Napoleon'

Summary & Disclaimer: Why are you reading this if you haven't read the last chapter? Go back and check there, for Pete's sake. Or Pete will cry. Feh, I don't own Naruto.

Being that he is a fairly recent character in the manga- Sakon is the leader of the Sound Four. You know, the guy with the lipstick and pearls. If that doesn't help, the guy with the two heads.There you go.

*****

Well, this was pretty much admittedly the most degrading and embarrassing thing Sakon had ever done in the service of Orochimaru. Yes, he did understand the necessity of the Sound Four patrolling on opening day since the Akatsuki would take their invite as planned, but what he could not grasp was the need for them to be dressed up in these ridiculous suits.

In fact, he still did not grasp as to why Orochimaru opened this theme park, except that it did make sense when Orochimaru explained it at board meetings. And who was to question their great leader? Questioning meant disloyalty and in Orochimaru's courtroom, the sentence for that was death. 

Tayuya had voiced the biggest argument about having to wear the costume. Jiroubou had to give Sakon a hand in forcing Tayuya to wear hers and Kidoumaru just sat back and watched patiently. If Sakon didn't know any better, he thought Jiroubo was enjoying going around in that damn thing, giving kids hugs and taking pictures with them a bit too much.

Anyways, his cigarette had finally burnt out and that meant his break was over. It's time to go back to work. He put the cigarette out by rubbing it against the palm of the fuzzy hand that covered his manicured real one before throwing it angrily to the ground. He then smoothed out his hat hair and donned the Helmet of Doom, better known as the snake's head and some how fitting his own head and his second head in at the same time.

Sakon, now better known as "Napoleon" worked the crowd*, bringing smiles to the faces of children halfheartedly. Little did those children know that inside this polyester suit (which chaffed by the way), was the body of a ninja that could easily wring their little throats and those of their parents, should his master order him to do so. Moment by moment, he began to hope more and more that Orochimaru would rethink this plan so he could do just that. Curse the poor soul that would throw up on him again like that chubby little boy with the swirl cheeks earlier this morning.

Out of the blue, he sensed it. He knew that chakara anywhere. As a member of the Sound Four, and one of Orochimaru's bodyguards, he had been to some of the Akatsuki meetings and mixers when Orochimaru was still a member. Feeling such a presence here, sent shivers of fear up and down his spine.

Sakon spun around and there, staring him straight in the face with an unnerving never changing expression, was a face he would never for get. Black hair and red eyes stood out even more stunningly with his body wrapped in the ebony and ruby cloak of the Akatsuki. No doubt about it, Uchiha Itachi.

Even with the aura of fear he projected, Sakon still had to admit that Uchiha was as pretty as ever to look at, even prettier than himself. Oh he could look at that pretty face all day, if he didn't know anything about what affect those Sharingen have on those that look into them. It hit him then, like a two ton boulder. Did Itachi know it was him in that suit? Surely, he must or atleast suspect it the way he was staring. 

Sakon panicked. He was not expecting that the Akatsuki would send Itachi and that annoying partner of his on this assignment. Where was that bastard, Kisame? Oh well, no matter, he had to try to figure out an escape plan. There would be no way he could deal with the embarrassment of discovery. Sweat beaded all over his body as he tried to think. Could he trick Itachi somehow and get out of it? He was not sure, but he was desperate enough to try anything.

Itachi opened his lips slowly before breathing out a faint, "Napoleon."

Suddenly, Sakon knew what that look in Itachi's eyes was. It was the look he saw in the eyes of many small creatures throughout the park when they spotted him in this suit. It was love at first sight.

And that made his feeling of dread grow even more.

*****

Kabuto entered the office in the back lot behind the park, dressed in a Blue's Brothers suit, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. The light from the overhead fixtures bounced off them and caught Sasuke's attention from where he sat on the edge of the desk, swinging his legs, out of boredom. Kabuto could only smile at the annoyed look of disapproval Sasuke's face expressed for what Sasuke was being forced to wear recently, due to Orochimaru's new investment in Hidden Neverland Ranch. 

He waved at the boy and the boy grimaced at him before casually drawling his announcement. "Orochimaru-sama, the Doctor is here to see you now."

Orochimaru spun around from the window were he had been watching the park's proceedings from earlier this morning since the opening ceremonies, safely tucked away nine stories above everything below behind tinted glass. He was looking sinister as usual, in a three-piece suit, dressed head to toe in black, save for his golden earrings that he always wore. His smirk could have not gotten any bigger than it was. He was most pleased that everything was going according to plan.

"And what do you have to report, Doctor?" Orochimaru sat down in his leather chair, pursing a finger against his lower lip as he glanced up at Kabuto with his steady yellow gaze.

_He is not going to like this. _Kabuto cleared his throat, before beginning.

"Sir, there has been a large accident in the main square. Several visitors either passed out or were maimed inexplicably. There have been atleast ten calculated dead and three currently missing, twenty four injured in total. All the victims had blond spiked hair."

Orochimaru heaved a heavy sigh. After all, why would he give a damn about children, save for his precious vessel.

"Is that all?"

"Well, no…two more things." Kabuto began to tremble nervously as he moved on to the second issue. "Some crazed individual in a black and red cloak has killed and is apparently eating the giraffes in the petting zoo."

"Not my Twinkie and my Banana!" Orochimaru's face darkened to one of grief and complete horror as anger began to surge through him.

_He named them like that?!_ Sasuke shifted uncomfortably on the desk and further away from Orochimaru.

"Er..yes, Twinkie and Banana. It is apparently _those_ two that they sent, as we feared."

Orochimaru raised abruptly, his smile completely faded. His happy day had just been ruined. He spat at the ground before heading towards the door.

"Sasuke, Kabuto, to the petting zoo!"

Sasuke got up and followed, grateful to finally be able to leave the office and stretch his legs. Kabuto sighed and followed in suit after his boss.

"Wait, what was the third thing you mentioned, Kabuto?"

"Oh, Sakon has gone missing."

****** 

*that line just sounds wrong 

Like? No Like? Review, please.

Next time: Questions will hopefully be answered! Why does Orochimaru have a theme park in the first place? What has become of our dear Sakon? Will Itachi be able to find Kisame before he does more damage? And what the hell is Sasuke being forced to wear?! Stay tuned.


	4. And You Thought Getting Your Fly Caught ...

The OOC Adventures of Kisame and Itachi

Part IV – And You Thought Getting Your Fly Caught Was Bad

Summary & Disclaimer: Why are you reading this if you haven't read the last chapter? 

 Feh, anyways, I lied. I'm not done with all the stuff that I said I would get to in this chapter. It just became so long that I decided that I might as well post this tidbit, before working on the massive rap up.

***** 

"Lemme get this straight. You are missing your son?"

"Yes."

"You said he is nearly seven feet tall, blue, bulky, with jagged teeth and gills on his throat?"

"That's correct." 

 The clerk trembled being the Lost and Found desk near the entranced to the Main Square. Not only had he witnessed what had gone on only half an hour beforehand, but here he was, face to face with the person who was responsible for the crime. He was frantically pressing the button for security under the desk. Why didn't the guards come? Was the accident down at the petting zoo that bad?!

"Um…I-I'm sorry," The clerk stammered, pressing his glasses further up his nose. "We have not seen a boy like that today. Would you like us to call him over the loud speaker for you?"

Itachi tilted his head to the side, black bangs falling into his eyes. He glanced over in the direction of the castle, where there seemed to be a lot of commotion of tourists filing quickly away from the direction of the petting zoo. Parents were quickly pushing their children out through the exit, the children rubbing their eyes crying and screaming something about the twin giraffes, Twinkie and Banana. 

"That is not necessary. I believe I found him." Itachi answered, before the giving a pull to what appeared to be a leash in his hand. "Come along, Napoleon."

Sakon made a choking noise as he was dragged along the pavement. Try as he may, the zipper was stuck and there was no escape. He sniffled from inside the helmet. _Why me?_

There was a yawning as the second head next to Sakon's woke up. Ukon's eyes opened and he blinked into the back of the oversized mascot helmet as he tried to stretch his limbs out of the body he and Sakon both shared, only to find that he was trapped in something not only hot and clingy, but to his horror, 100% polyester according to the tag.

 "Rise and shine, sleeping beauty." Sakon grumbled, being dragged on his stomach.

"What the fuck are we wearing!?" Ukon cursed, being the more angry and psychopathic head of Sakon's after all. He couldn't even manage to get his elbows out, much less see what was going on, and that only made things worse.

"Mascot outfit. You slept through all the board meetings." Sakon added a silent _thank god_, before cursing as Itachi dragged him up a curb and over a melted ice cream cone on his way to whatever hellish destination Itachi had in mind for our two headed captive. Damn, Sakon needed a Cigerette. He now would have to worry about the ice cream mingling with the gum that had managed to get inside somehow, his fate at the hands of this maniac, and Ukon's constant nagging.

"What board meetings?"

"For the theme park."

"Theme park?"

"Yes, to raise funds, supposedly."

"…Why?!"

"I don't know. Boss's orders."

" You sure it's for the funds? I mean…I smell children."

Sakon snorted. "Let's not bring Orochimaru-sama's…hobby up."

"I wouldn't mind slitting a few of those young throats though. I haven't been up in so long. Something must have gotten you nervous to let me wake up."

 "Shut up."

Ukon struggled, still trying to get out and stretch. "It's no fair. You always get the arm holes, you fucking prick!"

"Let's see…it's because it's _my body_ and I was nice enough to let Orochimaru perform his hellish experiments on me to let _you_ share it. So, sod off!"

The two heads of Sakon turned as best as they could to glare at each other.

The rest of the way to the petting zoo was a battle for supremacy that gave a whole new definition of "fighting amoungt yourself" that not even Naruto with Kage Bushin could compare to.

***** 

A big thank you to my reviewers. I honestly wasn't expecting many reviews for the previous chapters. (Probably the first non semi-sarcastic thing I have put in the disclaimer thus far.)


	5. Taking Home a Baby Bumblebee

The OOC Adventures of Kisame and Itachi

Part V– Taking Home a Baby Bumblebee 

Summary & Disclaimer: Why are you reading this if you haven't read the last chapter? 

***** 
    
    _"I'm just a girl who cain't say no!_
    
    _I'm in a terrible fix!_
    
    _I always say come on let's go_
    
    _Jist__ when I orta say nix!"_
    
    "Kisame…"
    
    _"When a person tries to kiss a girl_
    
    _I know she orta give his face a slap,_
    
    _But as soon as someone kisses me,_
    
    _I somehow sorta wanta kiss him back!" _
    
    "Kisame…"Itachi rubbed his temples lightly, holding onto the leash, and yet his partner continued.
    
    _"I'm just a fool when lights are low._
    
    _I cain't be prissy and quaint!_
    
    _I ain't the type that can faint,_
    
    _How c'n I be what I ain't?_
    
    _I CAIN'T SAY NO!"___

Itachi took a deep breath before bellowing this time. "KISAME!"

The oversized land shark with the oversized sword came out of his trance and looked over at his partner who was now seconds away from using him as test practice for the Tsukiyomi again. "Oh, Hello Itachi! I knew you would catch up eventually. Did you like my song?"

"…Off key. You don't do Roger and Hammerstien's _Oklahoma_ the justice it deserves."

Kisame frowned and tried to get up from the bench, patting his rotund and now full belly and let out a loud burp that echoed through out the empty petting zoo. Itachi sniffed the air and caught the foul odor of raw meat on his breath. His nose wrinkled in disgust.

"What have you been eating?"

"Twinkie and Banana." Kisame gestured with his thumb to the cage behind him which was empty save for a pile of bones.

Itachi recalled the names from the brochure as being the two giraffes under the care of the park and his eyes lit up with faint recognition. A moment of silence passed between them. 

"What did they taste like?" The sharingen user scratched under his chin, feigning disinterest. 

"Stringy. Rather bland for a mammal. I much prefer puppies, seals or dogs."

"…"

"I think they gave me a little gas and indigestion."

Itachi sneered and pulled his cloak close to his face. "Your own damn fault. You are interfering with our investigation."

"Oh, and then what's that?"

Sakon mummured and Ukon let out a faint curse as Kisame kicked him (or them) in his (their) side.

Itachi pulled the cloak even closer and dismissed it. "A souvenir!"

Kisame blinked. Itachi couldn't be embarrassed! It was just something that didn't happen. The moment of shock quickly passed as he realized that teasing his partner was a sure fire one way ticket to H. E. Double Hockey Sticks' main office. Being a traitor and a member of the Akatsuki, Kisame knew he was going to end up on the seventh floor, basement level, even, so the shark in him told him it was best for him to do what his survival instincts told him and clam up so he could prolong that trip. 

But before his brain could answer, his stomach always did, despite being full of raw giraffe meat, and he spoke. "Can I eat him?"

"NO! My Napoleon!"

Something seriously wasn't right in Hidden Neverland Ranch and now even Kisame caught on. "Itachi…are you feeling okay?"

Itachi's grip on the leash tightened and he nearly strangled Sakon in a fit of rage. "I'm fine! What? I want a pet! Mom never let me had one so I slaughtered my family! Well, that's not the real reason, but… I'm going to have my fucking pet, okay?!"

Kisame whimpered, helplessly. "Um, alright. You can keep him."

Sakon gasped for air as he could finally breathe again. He was almost certain that Ukon was trembling, but wasn't sure if that since they shared the same body, it could have been his doing as well. 

"Good. We understand each other." Itachi instantly calm down to his usual glacial self.

_Oh dear God, when will it end._ Sakon prayed to himself, but just as soon as all hope for escape seemed to fail him again, he sensed four familiar presences in the vicinity.

Kisame swung the Samehada off his shoulder. "Do you feel that Itachi?"

Itachi looked at him nonchalantly. "Of coarse….it's about time our host made his presence."

As if on cue, Orochimaru flanked by Kabuto, Sasuke, and Tayuya appeared on the gateway to the petting zoo.

Orochimaru smiled and flicked a stray piece of hair behind his ear, looking as debonair as possible in his suit. "How good of you to take our invitation, Itachi-kun, but it seems you and your partner are causing quite a disturbance on our opening day."

Tayuya was on the verge of collapsing with laughter. Thankfully, she had had the time to change out of her park costume, a gorilla, before she arrived on the scene. "Oh god! I'm going to piss myself? Is that you in there Sakon?!"

Sakon whimpered. "Not now, Tayuya."

Itachi said nothing for a moment. Orochimaru was lucky that he had learned not to make direct eye contact with Itachi in their last meeting, especially since Itachi now noticed what Sasuke was dressed in, and he was not pleased.

"Foolish Little Brother, what are you wearing?"

Normally, Sasuke would jump at any chance to fight his brother. He would do whatever it takes to try and end up on top for once and finally settle the score. But today was not one of those days.

 Today was a day when Itachi only had another disgrace of Sasuke's to dangle over his head. Today was a day of shame for the younger Uchiha. Today was the day that since Sasuke was the smallest; Orochimaru had designated it the day for him to wear the Bee costume and had refused to let Sasuke change out of it after the opening ceremonies.  A regular bee costume wasn't that bad, but seeing how it required the wearing of tights, tap shoes, wings, a tutu, and annoying sequins, it was rather bad.*

And being a day like today, the only thing Sasuke could do was hang his head, cover his forehead with his hand as he tried to stifle the weight of his embarrassment. "D…Don't look at me."

Itachi scowled. "Orochimaru, what is the meaning for this?!"

"What, doesn't ickle Sasuke look cute?" Kabuto said before he received a well deserved playful punch in the groin from a very angry little bee.

Itachi maintained his composure, though he really wanted to beat Orochimaru's face in and burn this whole god forsaken place to the ground. 

Orochimaru smiled even more grotesquely large than Kisame deemed humanly possible. "Oh yes, the park. You know how hard it is to maintain a village that has barely been recognized by the other Hidden Villages? A heck of a lot. We need revenue in order to grow and become more established. It's hard to maintain and evil empire.'

'Of coarse we can pillage, rape and sack border towns of our neighboring countries, but I find this a bit more affective means to corrupt young minds. And I do enjoy that, ever so."

Itachi wasn't really that upset with all this. The corrupting young minds thing and the need for funds were rather logical explanations that he heard everyday at head quarters, but in the back of his mind, there still tuned the incessantly annoying tune that blasted here and there from speakers on a good regular twenty minute interval. Itachi hated kids. He hated useless emotions like happiness and joy and the idea of a former Akatsuki member spreading either of these made his stomach churn on its self. The last straw, however, was seeing Sasuke dressed in that costume. Itachi cared nothing for the little brother, but seeing someone who he had invested so much time and effort into turning into the perfect measuring stick for his ability and was still related to him whether he wanted him to be or not, made his decision clear. 

"Kisame, get up. We are leveling this place. Sasuke, I'm taking you back to Konoha."

Kisame's eyes lit up happily. He'd take destroying children's happiness over all the cotton candy and falafels in the world any day. Sasuke merely kept his head hung, in defiance that he actually wanted Itachi to save him.

Orochimaru's smile faded. "Now, Itachi, you can't do that. You are forgetting Akatsuki procedure for inner member confrontations."

Itachi glared coldly with his red eyes. "You're no longer a member."

Orochimaru smirked. "Try, but I still have the resort membership."

Kisame cussed. "Shit. That means we still have to follow the rules as though he is a member."

Itachi rubbed his forehead. He wanted no more than to torch this place to the ground. "Fine…I challenge you."

 "I accept your challenge." The Snake Sennin nodded.

A cold wind blew over the group at the sound of Itachi's words.

Tayuya looked at Kisame. "Challenge?"

Kisame sat back down and rested his head on the palm of his hand. "If Akatsuki members didn't have certain bi-lines for inner Akatsuki disagreements, we would have all killed each other already. Thus, in order to settle a disagreement that is severe, one member must announce officially that he challenges the other –"

"And the other gets to name the challenge, then the challenger names the stakes."  Itachi begrudged stated. Procedure was procedure to him, so he had no choice but to wait as Orochimaru decided on what the contest would be.

***** 

*Sasuke's outfit is based off one I had to wear when I was four for a tap dance recital to the song "I'm Taking Home my Baby Bumblebee." If you really want to understand the horror of his humiliation, picture him tap dancing.

The song used, of coarse, is "I Cain't Say No", from _Okalahhoma_, as Itachi pointed out.

Like? No like? Review, please!  
  



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